don't you ever tame your demons

Auralee's vision focused and she realized she'd attacked a blonde girl, and now everyone else was doing the same. The logical part of her told her that was good, four against one, like before, but that it was only a matter of time before it was two on two, or one on three with her as the victim, and each breath took her very, very close to either killing Leon or dying herself. She was terrified. She'd been scared before, and felt horrible in general since her name was called at the reaping, but now it was all so present, and everything was happening too fast. Objectively, she and Leon had glided their way through the games so far without much difficulty, but there'd be no easy way out anymore. She felt like crying, but instead she directed her anger and desperation to the blonde girl, the victim. The enemy, she told herself. The girl attacked Leon and Auralee gasped, though she supposed she really shouldn't be surprised. She attempted to block the attack with her knife. Blame her. It's the gamemakers' fault, and you have to beat the game. Look, she hit Leon! He's been defending you, and she hit him! You have to kill her! If she'd died earlier, you wouldn't have to kill her. If she'd brought more allies, you wouldn't have to kill her. So you have to kill her, and it's all her fault. What if she volunteered? She's supporting this stupid system, she's the reason you might have to die, and maybe she deserves it. Auralee knew full well that none of what she was telling herself was true, but she had to do it. She slashed out at the other girl with the knife, putting all of her emotion behind taking the poor girl down.

Auralee saw the other dark-haired girl spin a powerful attack on the blonde creature. Her eyebrows rose slightly on her face. She was impressed, but also scared, and the fact that she was impressed scared her more, and the similarities she noticed between herself and the girl she thought might be a career scared her most. It was all very complicated, and it filled Aurie's already convoluted head with even more confusion and conflict. She hated complicated. She wanted to go back home, where life was simple. She'd never wanted excitement, she'd never done anything dramatic, she'd just stayed in the background. She'd never be out of the spotlight, now, unless she died, and she was ashamed to admit it, but she was absolutely terrified of death. She couldn't help it. Winning was the only option, but it wasn't a very good one. She didn't want to win under these rules, but she didn't want to die, and she knew her family wouldn't last long without her. Her sister would get sick again and fade away, and her father would grow old and mad after watching his two daughter perish without any means to save them, and eventually he'd die too, possibly by his own hand. Auralee didn't know if she believed in an afterlife. She wanted to, but she didn't think she mattered enough to warrant an afterlife. This was it then, this was life, and this was hers, and she had to fight for it. "You're it," she echoed, the whispers in the walls ringing in her ears. Maybe it was just fate, all part of some ulterior plan. That was easier than accounting for her actions. She reminded herself that she could deal with guilt later, and systematically reordered her thoughts every few minutes to keep herself from going completely insane. Her ghostly, vacant blue gaze was fixed on the blonde girl. "I'm sorry, but can't you hear them? You're it. It's not up to us. You have to die. Don't worry, we'll all die eventually, but you have to go now. Anyone could be next, and everyone hopes they last the longest, but nobody knows until it's time, and there's nothing you can do. The hope's ultimately useless, but without it, what's left? That doesn't matter to you anymore, though. When it's your time, maybe it's just your time, and darling, we're very, very sorry, but it's your time." Auralee didn't know if the girl could hear her whispers or just thought she was mumbling under her breath, but she lashed out with her knife again and repeated her mantra to herself. "You're it." You're it, you're it, you're it. Auralee swallowed, tasting blood in her mouth from an earlier wound. She hoped she wasn't next.

Auralee collapsed to her knees as she saw Lacey fall. "I didn't... I didn't..." She scrambled over to Lacey's body, and then something in her eyes changed. "We killed her... we killed..." Her brain fumbled for a way to process the information. The second death was worse, somehow. Neither fight had really been fair, but this was so, so wrong, and it had just happened that way. If any of the rest of them had shown up without a partner, or at the wrong time... she'd only attacked Lacey in the first place because she was startled, and then everyone had jumped in. She'd started a mob, and tried to tell herself it was natural order. It wasn't natural order. It was murder, plain and simple and cold-hearted and more terrible than anything Auralee had ever done. Her brain simply could not deal with the situation at hand, so she adjusted. The last person to attack Lacey was standing right behind her, and that she could deal with. Auralee screamed and tackled the dark-haired career district girl, stabbing wildly with her knife. She killed her, she killed her, she killed her.